The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Truer Than Cenotaphs

What apter monument could be
Than chopping some memorial tree?
Done up in camo green and brown
It staunchly stands, till taken down
Because its presence isn't worth
The price of keeping in the earth.
It causes no expensive mess
With post-traumatic homelessness;
And, as with those whose carven name
Gives crutch to politicians' fame,
The sacrifice goes not to waste;
For trees can always be replaced.

Stumpy Oakshott

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

309-305

309
Clothed as that fine old democrat,
The tubby tyrant Tudor,
O fie! she soon discovered that
Her Empire's all the nuder.

305
So patriotic is their nature,
They don't incline to mutiny;
So nearly half the legislature
Does not believe in scrutiny.

Septimus Dolorosus

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Audemus Jura Nostra Defendere

Interfering do-gooders from the United Nations, who seem to make a career out of annoying people trying to make their countries great again, have found conditions in the Christian state of Alabama particularly uplifting. A mere twenty miles from the state capital, the benefits of avoiding Big Government are apparent in the entrepreneurial get-up-and-go of residents enjoying the right to make their own sewage disposal arrangements. As a result they have hookworm, which indicates the kind of shirker incentivisation that the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK, despite all the glamour of her special relationship as the Trumpster's first sycophant, can still only dream of bestowing.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Ditch the Architectural Crap

In a concerted effort to prove themselves as sentient and feeling as any ordinary, decent average £50,000-a-year Briton, the Conservatives have been marshalling their expenses claimants on social media. Their eyes have been opened by a presentation from special advisers, whose shiny new editions of Corporate Humanspeak for Dummies evidently advise the use of homely metaphor now that obscurantism is out and plain old lying is in. Not only are we to understand that the Conservatives have a strategy beyond the usual Murdoch-directed linguo-rectal orientation and rinse; but the strategy is to be visualised as "a house where the roof is Brexit and the economy, but the three key pillars underneath are schools, housing and the environment". Aside from the Stalinist council-hovel nature of the building - only three pillars, indeed! - it's fortunate that the Government had the foresight to get rid of all those nasty experts; otherwise someone might have been unkind enough to tell the spadlings that it's inadvisable to build a house from the roof down, especially when the contractors happen to be cowboys like Davis, Hammond and Werritty.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Brits Don't Quit

In a report which will shock only those whose minds have been affected by family values, the charity Women's Aid has noted that most women who are murdered by men die at the hands of their intimates, rather than, as the present religious orthodoxy demands, at the hands of Muslims, ethnics, refugees or others supposedly not from around here. Two-thirds of those killed were killed by a current or former partner, and over eighty per cent were killed in their own home. Naturally, the Government is removing funding for refuges, presumably in the interests of defying the lesbian feminazis, keeping families together and empowering the British people to take back control and work things out for themselves. After all, if a deserving woman suffers a misunderstanding with the head of her household, she can always leave any infantine resources with the nanny and live at a proper hotel until it's all sorted out.

Saturday, December 09, 2017

Non-Extreme Ultimate Values

Inaugurating the annual ding-dong-merrily-on-Winterval of Christian self-pity, the downtrodden and repressed occupier of a free seat in the House of Lords has blamed the individualistic materialism of secular schools for failing to indoctrinate potential junior Anglicans with appropriate British values. A chronic failure to push moral absolutes laid down by a supernatural being might even be helping to fuel the rise of extremism, according to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who has previously expressed bewilderment over the number of church-goers who are fans of the Trumpster. Rather than mere utilitarianism, which decrees that terrorism should be fought because the persistence of terrorism is to our disadvantage, the Archbishop would prefer a less functional approach, whereby terrorism would be fought because the persistence of terrorism is unprofitable to the Church of England. Reports of the salutary effect of the Archbishop's speech on ISIS and Britain First are, at the time of writing, yet to start flooding in.

Friday, December 08, 2017

In the Beginning was the Correction to our Earlier Report

A mere few centuries after burning people who re-translated the Bible, the Catholic Church is beginning to get an inkling that all is not infallible about some of the texts we have. The Gospels as they stand are translated from various unreliable Greek translations of the rumoured Aramaic rantings of a fundamentalist yokel from Galilee; so one or two errors in transmission might be excusable from any god whose omnipotence is less advertised than Jehovah's. The Pope is concerned about the interpretation of the translation of the translation of a single line of the Lord's Prayer, which specifies that He who created the world, the flesh and the devil is morally answerable for their frailties. The original is lost, and the Greek means something rather different; but "Lead us not into temptation" is unfair to the sky-daddy, since it implies that He who made the human race and allowed Satan to tempt the faithful bears some sort of responsibility for the consequences, and if there is one thing Omnipotence cannot stand, it is being unfairly saddled with responsibilities. The Pope would prefer the line to read "do not let us fall into temptation", suggesting that the Father's conduct towards His children can be explained by neglect rather than deliberate malice, and that He had intended all along to speak in French.

Thursday, December 07, 2017

Economic Health

We're still clearing up Labour's mess,
A bit sluggish, let me confess:
Still burdened with shoals
Of unemployed proles
Despite there being none, more or less.

But if productivity's limp
Be British and don't be a wimp:
Keep calm and don't chide,
And swallow your pride
And think about sacking that gimp!

Anonymous

Wednesday, December 06, 2017

Oh, the Humanity

Most people with a mental age of ten or under believe that turning on the waterworks will get you out of trouble; doubtless the only reason the blithering prima donna David Davis hasn't tried it yet is that he holds to a more old-fashioned, page-three-girl-posing, Diane-Abbott-grabbing idea of what it means to be a Man. The Conservative MP Heidi Allen has no such inhibitions, having apparently brought a handy onion to the debate on her party's latest round of poor-bashing; and she was shamelessly egged on by the chair of the workfare and privation committee, Frank Field, whose concern for lives blighted by poverty evidently does not extend to twisting rhetorical knives in an opportunistically leaking blighter. The whole posturing pantomime has been reported with slightly more than due reverence, both for the underlying message (viz. that parliamentary expenses claimants deserve your sympathy at least as much as any suicidal scrounger) and for Allen's Duncan Smith homily on, by God, working together and kicking the poor better still.

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Even Our Homes Are Foreign Now

More than a sixth of people working on building sites for houses are Euro-wogs, and the figure rises to fifty per cent in London, according to a survey by the Home Builders Federation. Contractors will need continued access to Euro-wog labourers if the Government's housing target is to be reached; so it seems, on the whole, rather fortunate that the Government does not particularly care about reaching its housing target. Most of the Euro-wogs apparently plan to stay despite the hostile environment; possibly some hope to better themselves by applying to the Home Office, where they are much more likely to be genuinely valued and appreciated; at least until those hospitable G4S people come for them, too.