The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, March 27, 2024

Creative Liberty

Faceless bureaucrats at Cambridge city council have ordered the removal of a sculpture representing the late Duke of Edinburgh as an academic incarnation of the Terrible Trivium. The bronze statue is thirteen feet tall and stands outside an office block, ostensibly in order to commemorate the Duke's role as chancellor of the local university although, as usual in such matters, its function as a power-blaring foghorn of corporate bad taste probably ought not to be underestimated. A firm of property developers commissioned the piece for a hundred and fifty thousand before erecting it without the encumbrance of planning permission; but beyond that nobody seems willing to claim responsibility. The supposed artist, whom His Highness would doubtless have dubbed "that damn dago" or something equally worthy of a university chancellor, said it was "an abuse" that his name had been attributed to the work. The chair of the property developers, who had the aesthetic advantage of intimate acquaintance with the price-tag, said that it was "spectacular," but apparently did not publicly express any particular desire to have it in his own back garden.

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Imitation Duncan Smith

Expenses claimants including the ever-brilliant Iain Duncan Smith and the former Minister for Richard Desmond are fearful for the state of British democracy. While the Conservatives have starved local authorities of funding, disenfranchised many with unnecessary ID checks, and may yet time the election to deprive a few thousand students of the vote, the Heathen Chinee have actually been interfering with British democracy. In typically insidious and treacherous fashion, they have done so using those Babbage computating contraptions with which the British establishment has endured such a long and difficult relationship. One agent was even sufficiently fiendish to imitate Duncan Smith, and it's to be hoped that the agent in question was adequately compensated for their patriotic sacrifice of so many dozen IQ points.

It is of course unprecedented for any nation to attempt the furtherance of its own interests by influencing the internal affairs of another; and recent reforms at the Ministry for Wogs, Frogs, Huns and Hottentots have ensured that Britain's capacity for damage has been to some extent turned back upon its own less deserving subjects. Nevertheless, the righteous indignation of His Majesty's Government has gained moral support from the United States, whose disinterested concern for the sovereignty of lesser breeds is so legendary as to be virtually mythical. If gerrymandering, tax cuts and the War on Woke aren't enough to swing the general election, a war for Western civilisation against the Yellow Peril might just manage it.

Monday, March 25, 2024

Substantial Progress

Astoundingly enough, the absorption of the Ministry for Wogs, Beads and Trinkets into the Ministry for Wogs, Frogs, Huns and Hottentots has been of negative benefit to the global poor; and this despite the fact that the merger took place under the piccaninny-pampering auspices of the National Johnson. Even slashing the pittance which His Majesty's Government pays to keep up the pretence of giving a toss appears somehow to have resulted in a reduced impression that His Majesty's Government gives a toss; and the problem does not seem to have been substantially reduced by either the purging of experts and other pessimists or the redirection of much of the aid budget towards the master race. On the bright side, the National Audit Office has been able to report that, a mere four years on, the department is less confused than it used to be; which should at least keep the National Audit Office from immediately suffering a similar efficientisation.

Sunday, March 24, 2024

Decency's Children

Despite being the country that re-elected the Bullingdon Club's glistening pink Head Boy and voted the National Johnson an eighty-seat majority; despite being the country that reads the Murdoch scumbag press and the Rothermere Daily Stürmer; despite our most popular fictional avatar being a priapic thug whose enemies tend strongly towards the physically and psychologically damaged; despite our greatest historical personage being a pompous thug whose idea of good government was grapeshot for the domestic rabble and poison gas for the uncivlised tribes; amd despite the fawning national subordination to the beaner-bashing, towelhead-trashing, gook-smashing, nigger-knocking World Cop by the grace of God, it has taken researchers a mere half-century to confirm that the British love bullies. Almost equally surprisingly, it seems that, in the estimation of at least one moderate and sensible media outlet, this qualifies as news.

Saturday, March 23, 2024

Back Seat to FA

Evidently invigorated by having buzzed the fiend Putin and got away with it, at least one incarnation of Grant Shapps has been practising for an election-saving war against the Heathen Chinee. Britain's Minister for Wog-Bombing was flown from Canberra to Adelaine in the back seat of an Australian air force fighter, as the authorities had been given the impression that he was some sort of dignitary. A spokesbeing proclaimed the stunt a demonstration of Australia's defence capability, evidently assuming with similar optimism that either Michael Green or Sebastian Fox is capable of assimilating much more about a Boeing FA-18 Super Hornet than those sweet middle initials.

Friday, March 22, 2024

Shark of the New

Artistic merit is a fragile thing
That stands or falls by price of purchasing;
The cognoscenti therefore tend to rate
Their treasures by the work's completion date.
With trendy youth, good taste does not engage:
Like most investments, art improves with age.

Conceptual consumers are bereaved
To find embalmings dated as conceived.
What Brueghel, Bosch or Goya would be bought
Had it been painted later than was thought?
What vandal, boor or charlatan could wish
To drain sublimity from pickled fish?

Velma D. Hyde

Thursday, March 21, 2024

Down to Earth

Meteorites are immovable property and belong to those on whose land they happen to fall, according to a judgement by the Swedish appeals court. A thirty-pound iron meteorite which fell in 2020 was appropriated by a couple of geologists, who handed it over to a museum; whereupon the owner of the landing site started legal proceedings. The district court ruled that the meteorite was ownerless; but the appeals court has shown an encouraging degree of Britishness in favouring property values over scientific ones. The judge proclaimed that meteorites have the same legal status as any other stones, because they are composed of the same material; therefore, since iron is present in the Earth's surface, an iron meteorite counts as part of the ground on which it lands. Whether an extraterrestrial visitor whose pseudopodia contained one or more terrestrial elements would automatically owe allegiance to the House of Bernadotte remains as yet undetermined.

Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Our Rescuers

If further evidence were needed that the brief blip of European cultural dominance is ending, and that the centre of civilisation is moving back to its accustomed Asian home, such evidence may be found in a recent decree by the Prime Minster of Cambodia, who has banned motor vehicles from using musical horns. Should any vehicle be caught with a horn that regurgitates a tunelet and thereby provokes members of the public to inappropriate activity, the police are empowered to enforce summary removal and replacement with a more forthright model. We in the decadent West can only look on with envy, and await the enlightening Asiatic hegemony which may liberate us at last from mobile ringtones and Muzak.

Tuesday, March 19, 2024

Huge Implications

In its capacity as the mass communications wing of Conservative Central Office, the BBC has grovelled to Reform UK after referring to it as a far-right party and eliciting squeals of lawyerly indignation. Apparently the Board of Directors at Real Provisional Popular Front of the Farage Falange Limited feels that its reputation could be damaged if its purely mainstream blend of Conservative racist thuggishness, Labour racist mendacity, Liberal Democrat adherence to principle and Count Binface polling levels were to be understood as somehow racist and fascistic and thereby essentially un-British. Worse yet, the CEO and his minions might be subjected by Britain's crypto-socialist banking sector to the very same privations that did not befall the strutting Caudillo emeritus at the hard-left hands of Coutts; and perhaps worst of all, at least one place on the BBC's Question Time panel would be vacant every other week and thus vulnerable to woke infiltration.

Monday, March 18, 2024

Plucky Little Natives

Non-governmental and hence necessarily unelected organisations have criticised the Libyan coastguard over its efforts to save British jobs for British workers. Médecins Sans Frontières, whose name incriminatingly combines doctors and lack of border control, was apparently interrupted in its migrant-condoning activities by a coastguard patrol, which despite having a much smaller boat stepped up to the plate in the war against people-traffickers by substantially increasing the chances of the merchandise drowning. Since the present condition of the Libyan state is at least partly to the credit of the Bullingdon Club-Liberal Democrat administration which did so much to bomb it into liberty, the insult by Médecins Sans Frontières could be construed as an insult to Britain's erstwhile Head Boy and current glistening pink Minister for Wogs, Frogs, Huns and Hottentots; particularly as MSF has been so foreign and pro-Palestinian as to invoke, of all things, international law. Whether such defiance of British values makes MSF Muslim enough for the extremism blacklist remains as yet unclear.