The Curmudgeon


Saturday, January 20, 2018

Gove Fights On

Although people who die from pollution in Britain tend to be poor, elderly or otherwise expendable, the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove has been summoned by the ghastly Euro-wogs to account for the country's persistent recidivism in breaking the law on air quality. As the glorious day approaches for final independence, no doubt our joke-shop Environment Secretary will be full of the defiant Dunkirk spirit and will inform the Euro-wog environment commissioner (a foreigner with a funny name, inevitably) exactly where he gets off. Environment ministers from eight other countries will also be at the meeting, so there will be much opportunity for the jabbering homunculus to negotiate individually and independently with each of them and thus cunningly undermine the sinister supra-nationalism of the Brusso-Strasbourgian axis. Once Britain's air is its own again, and she can fish her own waters without risk of Viking depredations from the banker-baiting barbarians of Iceland, then we can start getting rid of all those inconvenient rules and regulations which have prevented British business cleaning up.

Friday, January 19, 2018

If Cripples Did Not Exist, It Would be Necessary to Break Some Legs

A new prenatal test for Down's syndrome has sent the Church of England into the usual contortions as it attempts once again to reconcile its divergent moral functions of crude superstition and smarmy hypocrisy. The Church does not particularly want to start a ludicrous moral panic over something it cannot control; but on the other hand, it would really rather like to. Social acceptance and living conditions for people with Down's syndrome have greatly improved since 1929, when there were rather more church-goers than there are now; and certainly since the era of Christianity's moral dominance, when such people, if they survived at all, presumably served as amusing freaks or as examples of saintly simplicity for priests to point at amid exhortations to pay the tithe. The Church is worried that women who take the test may choose to abort their foetuses, and that this will cause a lack of Down's syndrome with its attendant moral benefits. The Church has no wish to tell women what to do; but on the other hand, the matter is at least tangentially connected to one of the Holy Spirit's most obsessive concerns, namely what consenting adults get up to in the bedroom. Accordingly, the Church has demanded that parents should be given "comprehensive, unbiased information," just in case those maniacal, cackling abortionists in the medical profession might not have thought to offer it.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Structurally Unsound

O what can be the matter? Something threatening to shatter
Our Mother of all Parliaments to bits?
That cosy river palace with Imperial clock-phallus
Which stayed erect throughout the recent Blitz?
The joints are looking dodgy where a Member proud and podgy
Has sat and exercised his ample wits,
Sending belch of belly-laughter up to splinter tile and rafter
And frighten death-watch beetles into fits.

When fiscal roof is leaking and democracy is creaking,
A Member must be careful where he sits;
For the oratoric line has been in rather steep decline
Since your Gladstones, your Disraelis and your Pitts,
And outside a palace posh and full of antiquated tosh,
It really isn't easy, one admits,
To rule a grateful nation through the vocalised vibration
Of half a thousand bawling, braying twits.

Dicky Towers

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Sensible Measures, Feasible Pledges

Astoundingly enough, the Committee on Climate Change has declared itself not entirely satisfied that the Government's renewed pious noises about greening the economy are going to be translated into anything so vulgar and un-British as action. Even assuming that ministers do everything they say they're going to do (credo quia absurdum), the UK will still fall short of its legally binding targets, according to the chair of the CCC who seems to think there is some sort of reason why, after all this time, the Government might start matching its actions to its words. Having promised the greenest government ever, the Bullingdon Club proceeded to frack the proles, slash funding for solar energy, cancel a major capture and storage initiative and attempt to privatise the nation's forests; while the London Haystack's eight years of self-promotion and thumb-twiddling helped to ensure that pollution in the capital defied the beastly Euro-wogs and their suffocating clean-air laws. In accordance with standard procedure under the dead-eyed warden, the present administration has decided to substitute rah-rah for planning; a sensible enough policy given that the dead-eyed warden herself has substituted a jabbering homunculus for an Environment Secretary.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Common Decency

Despite generous help from a plucky little nation of curtain-twitching, tale-tattling, tut-tutting amateur sleuths, and undoubtedly despite the best will in the world, the Department of Workfare and Privation is having some small difficulty maintaining a satisfactory quota of skiver-busting. Out of nearly three hundred thousand denunciations on the government's Shop-A-Shirker hotline, about eighty-seven per cent have proven false, even by the DWP's largely undemanding standards of fairness. With the noted food-bank fan and cripple-kicker Esther McVey only recently put in charge, it remains as yet unclear whether the DWP plans to set up any hotlines for those who suspect that their friends and neighbours have not been properly informed of the benefits to which they are entitled and are therefore receiving less than their due.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Nothing to Lose but our Supply Chains

Traitors and saboteurs in the notoriously communistic business sector are nagging the race-baiting Clegg-pledger at the Home Office to publish an investigation into how far the British economy has become a citizen of nowhere. Despite helpful hints of a hostile environment such as the random deportation orders and the minimum fiscal standard for spousal imports, it appears that the Recrudescent Imperium still depends to an excessive degree upon job-stealing health tourists. At a Conservative Party rah-and-blah only a couple of years ago, the Clegg-pledging race-baiter herself mentioned plans for a blacklist of companies that employed too many wogs; and a report on the subject is due a full forty-eight hours before David Davis capitulates in accordance with whatever terms the ghastly Euro-wogs see fit to offer. Yet still our so-called business leaders seem subversively united in their pessimistic, inflexible and non-entrepreneurial approach. Where international trade is concerned, one might almost think some of them would trust a wog more than a Werritty.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Bad Theology

Text for today: Mark 11 xii-xiv and xx-xxiv; Matthew 21 xviii-xxii

This unobtrusive incident (eight verses in Mark, five in Matthew) is central to Christ's ministry and illustrates the Gospel message at its most uncompromising. Jesus is hungry and sees a fig tree; on discovering that it has no figs, He curses the tree and it withers away.

Why should the Saviour destroy a fig tree which, in accordance with the laws laid down by God, does not bear figs when figs are not in season? As theologians, we are not permitted the vulgar and literalist rationalisation that Jesus was a fundamentalist bumpkin who didn't know when figs in the Jerusalem area became ripe. Rather, we must look to the Saviour's own interpretation of His miracle, whereby He informs the disciples that the power of belief will enable them not only to curse fig trees, but to move mountains as well.

The moral here is twofold. First, the Son of God curses and destroys a humble part of God's creation because it abides by God's law. Here we recognise the arbitrary and vindictive persecutor of the faithful servant Job, the divine génocidaire of the Flood and the Book of Joshua, the cruel prankster who ensured that Jephthah's daughter would be the first to greet her father. God's punishment, like His grace, is unreasoning and merciless, and descends entirely without reference to whether or not we keep His law.

Second, Jesus instructs His disciples that provided they pray in faith, whatever they demand will be theirs, even unto the casting of mountains into the sea. The fig tree's calvary therefore serves as an allegory, not of love or forgiveness, but of the same destructive power which smote Sodom and Gomorrah and which Jesus was forever wishing upon His enemies. More even than the formal adoption at His baptism, the blasting of the fig tree shows Jesus as the true Son of His Father in heaven.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Flame Out

The only person to face manslaughter (sic) charges over the lynching of three civil rights workers in the Mississippi Burning case has died in prison. The case was dramatised in Alan Parker's 1988 film, in which truth and justice are pluckily pursued by two white liberal employees of the well-known civil rights campaigner J Edgar Hoover. None of Edgar Ray Killen's accomplices ever faced trial for murder, doubtless because there were very fine people on both sides. In the immediate aftermath of the killings, comparatively few unarmed Klansmen were shot to death by law enforcement officers, and it took forty years before Killen was convicted. When the state government of Mississippi refused to prosecute anyone, the federal government charged eighteen people with conspiring to deprive American citizens of their constitutional rights; and in the regrettable greatness-lacking spirit of the sixties, seven of the accused served prison sentences of up to six years rather than being allowed to run for President.

Friday, January 12, 2018

New Threats

There can be few more archetypal citizens of nowhere than the secretary general of the United Nations, an organisation whose very name implies some sort of moral equivalence between Britain and the lesser breeds. In recent years the UN has somewhat exceeded its proper function of rubber-stamping Anglo-American wog-bombing adventures, and has dispatched various Rolniks and Manjoos to interfere with the sovereignty of Her Majesty's Government. The present secretary general, being yet another foreigner with a funny name, has continued this regrettable trend with a diatribe on the benefits of migration, apparently in the hope that governments hitherto united in their financial self-interest and racist pandering will change their alarmist and stigmatising ways just because of mere social and economic facts. Certainly neither the late Bullingdon administration nor the present Recrudescent Imperium of Westminster, Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands has given any indication of being swayed by anything so unpatriotic as evidence; and the UN secretary general has patently failed to distinguish between undeserving migrants such as refugees, terrorists, nurses and so forth, and deserving migrants like Rupert Murdoch.

Thursday, January 11, 2018


Difficulties in coming to terms with a violently racist past are not confined to the nation that spawned Cecil Rhodes and Winston Churchill. The French publisher Gallimard has cancelled its proposed reissue of Céline's anti-semitic pamphlets, which in the words of one objector "influenced a whole generation of collaborationists who sent French Jews to their deaths." Just how many people got through Bagatelles pour un massacre, L'École des cadavres and Les Beaux Draps is uncertain, but it seems most unlikely that an entire generation was influenced. The essence of racism lies in optimism and romanticism: human greatness distilled in the master race, which will achieve its full potential once the vermin have been cleared away. Céline had his faults, but optimism was never one of them; and although his anti-semitism was genuine enough he never showed the least interest in making it respectable. The idea that his rants might somehow be sanctified by the mere act of publication is a strange one: by the same brilliant logic a bowdlerised Céline would be less holy than the uncensored text, and his publishable writings have been whitewashed by leaving the controversial parts just as he wrote them.