The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Class Bullies Lack Application

The long and famously happy relationship between Her Majesty's Government and the technology of the electrical computator has attained new depths of squealing, creaking, clunking ecstasy. A mobile phone app whereby resident Euro-wogs can discover whether the Recrudescent Imperium is prepared to tolerate their presence a moment longer will not work on the brand of mobile phone which is used by more than half of the adult population. As with the fact that the dead-eyed warden's hostile environment would harm British citizens, the incompatibility was known in advance; and as with the hostile environment, the Government didn't care and anyway the entire regrettable business is, as usual, somebody else's fault. The race-baiting Clegg-pledger at the Ministry has claimed that the app will be as easy to use as an online shopping account, and also that it has been "extensively tested;" doubtless her next attack of veracity will confirm that the whole idea was cooked up by Momentum and the Labour Party in 1998. In the wake of the Windrush persecutions, the Euro-wogs have had the temerity to threaten close scrutiny of developments, though fortunately such fiendish encroachments on our democracy are likely to be thwarted by the Government's use of secondary legislation to ensure that everything can be changed on ministerial whim.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Our Kind of Reformer

That charming young man, Prince Mohammed bin Salman of the head-chopping House of Saud, has sent his servants to wog-bomb a wedding in Yemen. According to health officials and other malcontents, at least twenty people were killed and some thirty children wounded in this third demonstration in three days of shared British values. Nevertheless, the Britishness of the weaponry and expertise used remains as yet unclear; which means that any meaningful estimate as to how many of the detrimentations were collateral and how many were actively meritorious may have to wait a little longer than (to pick a random example) the interval between an alleged chemical attack and the subsequent righteous chastisement of the lesser breeds.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Bad Theology

Text for today: Matthew 12 xliii-xlv

Jesus recounts the fate of a demon which is cast out, and wanders through waterless places seeking rest and finding none. Eventually the demon decides to return to the place from whence it came. Finding that place clean and tidy, the demon invites its friends along, and the person who was originally exorcised ends up worse off than before.

Spoken in the context of the Pharisees' request for a sign, this anecdote is another swipe at those who keep the law yet lack the credulity and fanaticism required in the kingdom of heaven. It is remarkable for the casual contempt which Jesus displays towards those He claims to have healed: He implies that He has been cleasing the possessed in the full knowledge that His cure will achieve nothing more than leaving them vulnerable to even worse possessions.

Given that Jesus proclaims His ability to cast out devils as a proof of His divine authority (Luke 13 xxxi-xxxii), His coyly cynical admission that His exorcisms are pure snake-oil throws an intriguing light on the rest of His ministry. The possibility that Satan may be divided against himself is hardly made more plausible by the Saviour's image of demons turning every exorcised person into a housing co-operative; and if Jesus by the finger of God merely makes the demons' accommodation more comfortable, what profiteth it anyone if they allow themselves to be cleansed?

Concerning the final state of Mary Magdalene, who apparently suffered the worse-than-useless process no less than seven times over (Luke 8 ii), we can only speculate. All four gospels agree that this poor demon-ravaged creature was either the first, or one of the first, to see the empty tomb of Jesus; and the implication that by the end of the Saviour's ministry she was playing hostess to a horde of devils gives us an interesting perspective on her position as a witness. Depending how many demons were in residence at the time, it is certainly possible that Joanna, Salome and the rest, being no doubt neatly-swept rooms in their own right, were each ripe for occupation by one or more of Mary Magdalene's tenants. From the women, the demons could then quite easily have spread into some or all of the other disciples, bringing upon them all kinds of mischievous delusions and hallucinations, and thus providing a more than usually plausible origin for their testimony regarding the Resurrection.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Heatwave Huzzah

Fuck the blossoms on the trees,
Fuck the petrol-leaden breeze,
Fuck the itchy swollen eyes,
Fuck the dust and fuck the flies,
Fuck the buds upon the bough,
Fuck the basting biped sow,
Fuck her porker, fuck their shoats,
Fuck their squeals and fuck their bloats,
Fuck the sunshine, fuck the spring,
And all the world, and everything.

Porlock Smobley

Friday, April 20, 2018

Culinary Buzz

Spaniards are being offered insect-based foodstuffs, including spicy chilli buffalo worms and Jimini's crunchy crickets for the Disney fans. Whether entomophagy will catch on in Europe remains to be seen, but it would certainly be unfortunate if Britain's approaching independence from the ghastly Euro-wogs were to vitiate the nation's chances of finally finding a use for Michael Gove. No-one has yet proposed that our own swarming cockroaches might make some modest restitution by having their children served up as refugee roasts; but given that many ministers of the Crown probably spent their childhoods pulling the wings off flies, such healthy developments can only be a matter of time.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Fiendish New Tricks from the Great Satan

North Korea is very cynically and selfishly attempting to abdicate its role as the most convincing existential threat to the United States since Nicaragua, according to the president of South Korea. Moon Jae-in claimed that the North would require in return only the twin enormities of an end to perceived hostile policies and a guarantee of security; which under any normal US president would constitute an unacceptable violation of the World Cop's jurisdictional sovereignty. The Trumpster, doubtless inspired by the brilliant negotiating stance of Team Tessie against the sovereignty-plundering Euro-wogs, has confined himself to an assertion of willingness to walk away if Kim Jong-un's head-tribble should start yapping and spraying at his own.

North Korea has previously indicated a willingness to give up its independent nuclear deterrent in return for US withdrawal from South Korea and denuclearisation of the peninsula and Japan. As is mentioned in Britain's leading liberal newspaper, North and South Korea have been technically at war since the 1950-53 conflict when, as is unmentioned in Britain's leading liberal newspaper, the United States butchered a fifth of the North's population in collaboration with its South Korean allies, many of whom had been collaborators with Imperial Japan during the recent unplesasantness.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

I Decide Who is a Jew

In the wake of the unflattering media exposure resulting from its Windrush persecutions, the Government has prudently re-classified two of the most prominent cases - a cancer patient who was denied treatment, and a special needs teacher who was denied employment - as honorary whites. As might be expected, there is already some doubt as to whether this latest promise about the NHS amounts to much more than any other pronouncement by the dead-eyed warden and her boot-boys. Even assuming the best, it remains an open question whether reprieve from deportation by a wave of Tin-Pot Tessie's hand, like some ghastly low-budget parody of royal clemency, will elicit the proper degree of gratitude from those still at risk of a dawn surprise from the Ministry of Wog Control.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Gasping for Empire

Despite the prevalence among foreign populations of wogs, piccaninnies and the more expendable type of British citizen, it seems that the lesser breeds are making a sterling effort to emulate the Recrudescent Imperium's cleansing achievements. Getting rid of excess proles by means of a poisonous atmosphere is not solely the prerogative of the noxious flatulations of the Home Office and its colorectal cohorts in the scumbag press: the mayoral régime of the London Haystack managed great strides in the same race to the bottom purely by taking its ease and allowing matters to take their Brussels-defying course. Now the rest of the world is catching up: according to a study by the Health Effects Institute, less than five per cent of the world's population has access to clean air, and deaths from pollution across the globe are estimated to have increased almost twenty per cent in the past thirty years, and this despite the fiendish machinations of the Heathen Chinee. The Health Effects Institute does point out that gradual suffocation tends to interfere with the labour efficiency of human resource units; but it is to be hoped that the increasing scarcity of unpolluted air will foster an atmosphere of healthy competition that will ensure the survivors are worthy of service to their freshly-globalised Britannic masters.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Of All the Surprising Things to Happen

Even the most profound intellect is not immune from error, and even the most honourably-intentioned and well-thought-out policy may occasionally result in unforeseen and perhaps undesirable consequences. It will be self-evident from the foregoing that the subject under discussion is the Ministry for Wog Control and its hostile environment for swarming hordes of the Windrush persuasion, which has blown up rather spectacularly in the faces of Tumbledown Tessie and the Minister for Barbadian Tax Arrangements. Four years ago the previous Home Secretary, whoever that may have been, removed the legal protection afforded such people, doubtless while her Liberal Democrat coalition partners were distracted by issues of greater moment; and yet some evil stroke of fate has decreed that people whom the Home Office deliberately deprived of protection now have no protection from attack by the Home Office. Fortunately, nobody has been deported for lack of documentation, although some people may have been deported by accident; nobody seems to know just how many, but one can hardly expect the Ministry for Wog Control to bother about things like that - not while a single cockroach remains in Britain, especially when it could be making itself more useful helping to ready the Commonwealth for its great new task of propping up the British economy after Brexit. Comfortingly enough, the race-baiting Clegg-pledger in charge of the Home Office has promised that the Home Office will sort it all out.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Bad Theology

Text for today: Luke 7 xxxvi-xlvii

While Jesus is dining with a Pharisee, a sinful woman appears with a jar of perfume and grovels at His feet, wetting them with her tears and drying them with her hair before pouring the perfume over them. When the Pharisee wonders if Jesus knows that a sinner is touching Him, Jesus tells a parable of two debtors whose debts were cancelled, the moral being that the relationship between God and humankind, far from having its basis in absolute and unconditional love, is an essentially commercial transaction in which whoever is forgiven most will love most. Jesus then observes that none of the services performed for Him by the sinful woman were performed by the law-abiding Pharisee, because the magnitude of a person's love for Jesus depends on the magnitude of the debt which He is empowered to forgive them.

The woman's behaviour is identical to that of Mary of Bethany in the other three gospels; although Jesus gives that incident a different meaning to this one, deeming Mary's action a preparation for His burial. Immediately after the incident in Luke's gospel, several women are mentioned who ministered to Jesus and his followers, including the wife of a royal servant (Luke 8 i-iii). Given His evident appeal to bored and wealthy females, it seems eminently possible that outbursts of lachrymose adoration were a repeated and perhaps a frequent occurrence during the Saviour's ministry. If not for the expense involved in purchasing the necessary ointment, such displays might even have been a daily fixture.

In this case, the moral Jesus draws is the same as for the parables of the lost sheep, the labourers in the vineyard and the prodigal son; namely that righteousness and keeping the law are of scant significance in the eyes of Jesus and His Father. Mere abstention from sin is next to no use at all: in propitiating arbitrary tyrants only repentence and grovelling will suffice. Hence there is good reason to believe the Saviour's assertion that those who have less to grovel about will be regarded less favourably in the eyes of heaven. It follows, comfortingly enough, that serious and persistent violations of God's law are not only forgivable but welcome, provided they are paid for with a sufficiently melodramatic self-abasement.