The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Available Now


My latest, which treats of some voyagers and what they discovered, is now available as paperback and pdf ebook. As with my short novel Taking Down, the opening scene occurred to me first, and without much else attached; and I also dithered over writing about a voyage because I didn't know anything about ships. It took a while to sink in that a voyage in a fantasy story need not necessarily take place aboard anything with gaff-rigged t'gallants athwart the mizzen and all the rest of it; and thus was born arguably the book's most innocent and tragic character.

Friday, February 16, 2018

That Fifth Column Just Keeps Getting Longer

Traitors, saboteurs and citizens of nowhere at the Royal United Services Institute have joined the choleric chorus of metropolitan moanery with an inverted pyramid of pessimism about security; and this in spite of all the trouble taken by something called Gavin at the Ministry for Wog-Bombing to point out Labour's links with the spectre of international Communism. RUSI, which was founded by the Napoleonic spy Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington, seems to think that the Recrudescent Imperium's glorious path to independence is mined with risks rather than laden with opportunities, but never once makes the all-important balancing assertion that the Euro-wogs need us more than we need them. In any case, many of the so-called problems are hardly problems at all: far from being an unforeseen and undesirable consequence, the strengthening of nationalist forces through imposed poverty has been essentially the British Conservatives' manifesto for at least the past eighteen months. The undermining of the latest solution to the Irish Question is doubtless to be regretted, but it is of course a price worth paying in the service of a far greater ideal, namely allowing Tumbledown Tessie to hang on and stumble through the good fight for God, Queen and Faction. Everything else is just Euro-wog stuff that will sort itself out as soon as the lesser breeds get it into their strange foreign heads that they need us more than we need them. Besides, even the treacherous RUSIans admit that the costs of our new globular glories can be mitigated over time; in other words, as with the consequences of climate change, the worse things get the more they will be someone else's problem.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Effective Action

America's greatness has been yet further renewed with yet another school massacre. The perpetrator, who was captured alive, had a history of mental health problems and had been expelled from the school for violence. Doubtless any suggestion of risk associated with this history was effectively hidden behind his healthier traits, which included an obsession with firearms and a love of shooting animals. Hence his possession of a semi-automatic rifle was perfectly legal, in accordance with the Constitutional amendment which puts the NRA next to Godliness. Since God did so much to prevent things becoming unpleasant, the federal government has responded by offering its prayers.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

The Ultimate Shirk

When it comes to doing Britain down, there are few lengths to which the metropolitan élite will not go. On the very day when the dead-eyed warden's joke Foreign Secretary was delivering himself of yet another gust of flatulent Ruritoxican rah-and-blah, a citizen of nowhere was mean-spirited and selfish enough to expire within a short distance of the House of Expenses Claimants. Despite years of incentivisation by the beggar-taunting Bullingdon Club and their little orange fags, more and more people have chosen to make themselves homeless rather than rush into the thousands of jobs being vacated by departing immigrants, and we can only hope that the bracing weather will encourage them to abandon this irresponsible choice and regain the proper spirit of British get-go. A spokesbeing for the House of Expenses Claimants responded to the latest victory for the hostile environment with a snide little hint about the individual's friends and family, doubtless in the hope that the tragedy will encourage more conscientious patronage of the disadvantaged and better management of their trust funds.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

The Limits of Tolerance

Lawyers, academics and human rights activists have signed an open letter urging the Vatican to reconsider a possible deal with the Heathen Chinee, in case it harms the moral authority which has been so comprehensively restored since the late unpleasantness over sexual abuse. Relations were severed when the Communists took over in 1949, but the Heathen Chinee are closing down evangelical Protestant churches while allowing Catholic bishops to operate provided their snake-oil has the seal of government approval. Accordingly, two bishops who were operating without such approval have now been "asked" by the Vatican to relinquish their positions to less turbulent counterparts. It remains as yet unclear what major moral concessions the Vatican has won in exchange; but the pious can be reasonably certain that Xi Jinping will not insist on the replacement bishops being female.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Coming Soon

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Bad Theology

Text for today: Matthew 18 vii-ix

Jesus calls down misery on the world because of its temptations, and in the next breath proclaims that temptations are necessary, and in the breath after that calls down misery on those who perform the necessity. This is a frank and even cynical recognition of the moral quality of His Father's handiwork, whereby God's creatures are punished, even unto death, for displaying those very qualities which God has made intrinsic to their nature.

In the famous passage recommending bodily self-mutilation in the interests of moral purity, Jesus draws an important distinction between physical and spiritual punishment. It is generally assumed that these words are mere hyperbole, like the ones about giving away worldly goods and unlike the ones about rising from the dead; but in purely literal terms His reasoning is quite cogent. If the torments of hell are worse than physical pain, it is reasonable to undergo physical pain in order to avoid the fires of Gehenna. By extension, subjecting others to worldly tortures in order to spare them the demonic tortures which their loving Father has been keeping warm for them is not only reasonable but, as any good Inquisitor would confirm, a moral imperative and an authentic act of charity.

Whether or not He knew or intended it, Jesus provided explicit and straightforward licence to persons of goodwill for inflicting pain and torture. Given His words about the fate of those by whom temptation comes, it is possible that His resignation to His own physical torments at the end may have derived at least in part from a belated recognition of His own culpability.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Thus Did They Persecute the Money-Changers Before You

When preaching blatant violation of one commandment, it is usual for Christian churches to compensate by tightening up the rhetoric on another. The enthusiasm of wartime pastors for mass murder in the name of God and country was frequently balanced by thunderous condemnation of sexual incontinence on the part of the cannon fodder. With similar sophistication, the Trumpster's spiritual counsellors at the Kentucky-fried Cash Ministry (KCM) have jettisoned all that rubbish about riches in Heaven, which crude and literalist theologians have often regarded as fairly central to Christ's ministry. As a wandering preacher, Jesus certainly made His living by sponging on wealthy sinners and foolish women, and ordered His apostles to do the same; but He never went quite as far as the KCM, whose leaders proclaim that wealthiness is next to godliness and own a private jet and a multi-million-dollar home in holy Texas. The KCM has compensated by leaning heavily on the faith-healing racket, urging followers to avoid inoculations and instead stay healthy by shouting at flu germs to go away. Since the KCM is registered in the UK, the bureaucratic Pharisees at the Charity Commission have had the temerity to question whether such saintly conduct is altogether in keeping with the legitimate aims of a charitable organisation. For the spiritual peace of the KCM's congregation, we can only hope that any consequent scourging, nailing and spearing will be purely material in nature.

Friday, February 09, 2018

On Whose Flag the Sun Never Sets

Not for the first time, Japan has chosen to isolate itself from the community of nations by indulging its gross materialistic urges at the expense of the Recrudescent Imperium of Westminster, Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands. Japan has made threatening noises about the consequences of Britain's liberation from the dominion of the Euro-wogs. Japan has threatened the Recrudescent Imperium with what Tin-Pot Tessie's joke Foreign Secretary would no doubt consider a Nanking-style seeing-to. Japan has, in short, forgotten who won the war. A culture so different from our own can hardly be expected to understand the values and aspirations of a proud island nation with a violent imperial past, a hermetic writing system and a grotesquely misnamed Liberal Democrat party.

Thursday, February 08, 2018

Britannia Meets Her Match

If liberation from the Brusso-Strasbourgian yoke means anything at all, it means the freedom to make our own laws and give a healthy Churchillian V-sign to all that namby-pamby nonsense about human rights. Accordingly, in the spirit of Britain's present generous-spirited world leadership, an Imperial territory has become the first to repeal equal rights for non-heterosexuals, backed up with full rah-rah from the dead-eyed warden's joke Foreign Secretary. While the Imperial Haystack went into hiding behind a junior ministerial filly, a Downing Street spokesbeing proclaimed that Britain's hands were tied. Her Majesty's Government, which abhors discrimination in all its forms and is hardly at all dependent on a handful of god-bothering homophobes to stay in office, has been unable to exercise its unfettered strength as a force for good, thanks to the rampant, overmastering might of world-bestriding Bermuda.