The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

News 2020

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As the US election approaches, the Commander-in-Chief has issued a statement to assuage concerns about the state of democracy in the country. In particular, he ridiculed claims from radical and underground groups that democracy had suffered in the transition to a one-party system. "America still stands for what it has always stood for: the right of all folks to take wing after their dream and drag that little sucker down to earth," he said.

The single transferrable Republican party has many advantages over the old two-party system, the statement continued. "I just don't understand these tax-and-spend liberals who seem to think that spending twice as much on election campaigns means you get more democracy for your buck," the Commander-in-Chief said. "Personally I think it's a tribute to the resilience of the American way of life that liberty can continue to flourish here. Let's not forget that only nineteen years ago, on that black Tuesday in September, America was viciously attacked by a ruthless and evil enemy, and that the war against that enemy has not yet been conclusified."

In Britain, the Prime Minister was quick to welcome the statement, describing it as "statesmanlike" and wishing the American public every success with the new Diebechtel voting machines. These machines are an improved version of those used in the last American election four years ago, which were the first to feature the new "preferential ballot" whereby voters can record the degree of their approval for the administration. The machines four years ago recorded that all voters had indicated every degree of preference from the lowest ("satisfactory") to the highest ("heavenly"). The accuracy of the result was questioned in some quarters.

Controversy has arisen in Britain over the rights of the so-called "Big Brother generation" - those children who have been born and spent their entire lives on the sets of reality TV shows. There are now exactly 24,317 such children in Britain, and a further 79,806 children of British origin in reality environments outside the country - 62,019 on desert islands, 8,438 in foreign cities, 6,991 in simulated prisons, 2,352 in genuine prisons and 6 on Mars. Their ages range from four months to fourteen years, and with the NuLibLab government's proposal to lower the voting age to fifteen, two of them will soon be eligible to vote in elections.

Media watchers have voiced concern over whether children who have been exposed only to TV environments will have the necessary abilities to take part in society at this level. The Public Empowerment Minister, Ursula Thwick, has responded that the number of children involved is relatively small, and that in the event of their voting irresponsibly, or being denied a vote altogether under the new legislation, it is unlikely that British democracy will be exposed to unnecessary peril.

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