The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

News 2020

Putting the wind up the first draft of history

Three times winner of the Guardian Media Group Award for Nuance

The Prime Minister is flying to Washington DC, and from there to the Commander-in-Chief's terror-resistant bunker in Nebraska, for talks with the American government, Downing Street announced today.

The talks have been planned for some time, but the Commander-in-Chief has been very busy opening fast-food emporia and washing his hair. It is unlikely that the Prime Minister will be able to spend more than twenty minutes or so in the Commander-in-Chief's personal company, and much of the important business will be handled by one of the US leader's secretaries.

However, the secretary this year is a Mrs Temperance G Punt, who ranks two grades above the secretary to whom the Prime Minister handed his concerns during his visits last year and the year before. Mrs Punt's line manager is Grover Batts, who reports personally to the Commander-in-Chief's personal secretary at least twice a month. The Prime Minister will therefore be looking on this visit as an important opportunity to communicate British concerns forthrightly to the US leader.

High on the list of such concerns is expected to be the so-called "friendly fire zones" in the protective cordon around the Democratic Republic of Baghdad.

Since the end of the last insurgency, the reduced need for replacement armour in the region has caused a significant drop in profits for several US-owned companies. The Government agreed with the Americans last year that, subject to strict seasonal restrictions, a small quota of British units would be subject to "friendly fire", enabling the companies to continue profiting by their contracts with the Ministry of Defence. But after the near-total destruction of two Scots regiments six weeks ago, the Government is worried that the Americans' zeal to improve their marksmanship may be interfering with their instinct for fair play.

The Prime Minister is also expected to mention the situation in Belize, where the US nuclear strike has caused some concern in the Government. Although Washington has been requested to think very carefully about consulting London before doing it again, it is not clear that the presentation problems connected with this matter have been altogether solved.

Six months after the three-megaton burst over Belize, controversy erupted when British journalists revealed that some harm may have come to civilians in the area. Although the claim is controversial because nobody has yet carried out a proper body count, it is likely that the Prime Minister will be telling the Americans in no uncertain terms that he would like their unconditional word on how he should deal with the matter.

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