The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

News 2020

We regret that we cannot be held responsible if the future turns out differently due to inaccuracies in the present

Robertson Fitzpatrick, the so-called "Foetal Avenger" who shot 47 medical personnel dead in the United States over a three-week period four years ago, is awaiting the result of his clemency appeal to the Commander-in-Chief.

Fitzpatrick, who is described by his fellow citizens of Polk, South Dakota as a quiet and unassuming collector of automatic weapons and bowie knives, was sentenced by a federal court to "electrocution with mitigating circumstances".

He won respect with his self-assured demeanour and his defence that he had been contacted by the spirits of aborted foetuses which had not been baptised and which urged him to avenge their deaths.

Abortion in any circumstances is illegal in the USA, and under the provisions of the Coathook Act is usually treated as murder. The only exception is when the operation is performed by one of the country's rare but still extant female doctors, in which case it is treated as witchcraft.

Although frequently misconstrued as a cynical attempt by his lawyers to resurrect the defunct "insanity plea", Fitzpatrick's defence remained remarkably clear and consistent throughout the 26-month trial. Even the prosecuting counsel admitted there was no evidence that Fitzpatrick had not in fact been in contact with emissaries from the spirit world.

Fitzpatrick's only hope of clemency now lies in the Commander-in-Chief, who is empowered by the Homeland Constitution to commute sentences, forgive sins, save souls and turn wine into water.

1 Comments:

  • At 11:12 pm , Blogger Raoul Djukanovic said...

    Jesus was way cool. I think we should ask ourselves who He would have wanted us to kill before we open our mouths and squeeze the trigger. Tahiti people say: "Either you eat life or life eat you." Heathen scum. Keep shooting from the hip. I'd hate to think you were pro-life; I'd have to cancel my subscription forthwith.

     

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