The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, December 24, 2004

News 2020

All the latest, very early

International observers will be unable to directly monitor the forthcoming elections in the Democratic Republic of Baghdad because of situational dangerosity, United Nations officials have said.

The rodential carcinoma of terrorist insurgency means that, although officials from several nations have agreed to monitor the poll, they will be forced to do so from the comparative safety of the US space station Lyndon B Johnson.

The United States, which among all the members of the Coalition of Benignity has the largest military presence in the region, has said that it will keep "as low a profile as possible" during the election. "We'll just tell them to hunker down, do their job and stay out of the way," said a State Department official when queried on the actions of the 150,000 US troops in the region during the poll.

Asked whether any troops would be available to act as electoral monitors, spokesman Mayo Tussock said that this would constitute an unacceptable conflict of interest.

"These elections not only have to be free and fair, they have to be seen to be free and fair," said Mr Tussock. "And since, as the Commander-in-Chief has often stated, the whole world has an interest in a stable and prosperous Mideast, it follows that there can be no such thing as an independent monitorial presence without such a conflict of interest."

As a result, said Mr Tussock, the monitors aboard the Lyndon B Johnson would not have the status of genuine international observers, but would be "non-interventional overseers" who would liaise closely with officials in the Democratic Republic via satellite-linked digital communication, and rely on their reports on election day.

"Even though they won't actually be physically present in the vicinity on the day, there are a lot of things those electoral administrators will be able to look at to give them an exceedingly good idea of what is going on down there," Mr Tussock said. "They'll be able to get CNN up there, Fox News, you name it."

Despite the terrorist insurgency and the recent crash of the US space shuttle Ronald Macdonald, Mr Tussock said the observers in the space station would be perfectly safe.

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