The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

News 2020

It isn't true yet, but it will be

Overcrowding may soon be a thing of the past, except on western public transport, according to a study by the Malthus Institute for Population Studies, released today.

The MIPS had previously estimated that the earth's population would reach levels of 9 billion or more before thinning out occurred due to lack of resources, but the institute now says that "considerable die-off" may now occur well before that stage is reached.

"There are two factors which the older studies didn't predict," said MIPS member Grover Wilmot. "One is the basket of visionary policies being implemented by Britain with some help from the Americans - the war on underhandedness, the freeing of the Third World from the toils of primitivism, and the fostering of free trade."

These policies will facilitate a substantial reduction in population over the next few decades thanks to secondary effects such as increased military intervention, increased turnover in juvenile labour utilisation due to work unit wear-out, and so forth, said Mr Wilmot.

"The second factor is the ever-increasing rapidity of climate change and the high probability of an increased incidence of natural population-reducing occurrences," Mr Wilmot continued.

"The recent earthquake in south-east Asia had nothing to do with climate change, but it does give a good indication of the potentialities of this factor in reducing overcrowding," he said. "In fact, if it hadn't been for an attack of old-fashioned interventionism on the part of the public in many western countries, the earthquake could have been more beneficial still."

Such antiquated attitudes will not be affordable for long, however, the report predicts. As more and more natural reductions occur, ordinary members of the public will become inured to the urge to invest in schemes where the financial returns are small or nonexistent. It is also possible that some natural reduction incidences will actually occur in western countries, which will cause incomes to drop due to insurance and healthcare costs.

In fact, the effects of the die-off will largely benefit Third World countries, according to the report. "They are more affected by overpopulation and less inclined to react emotionally to bereavement situations," said Mr Wilmot. "In the west, the infrastructure is more developed and there are fewer people. In practical terms, this means that if a million people die in an earthquake in London, public services will also be affected, so there'll still be just as little chance of getting a seat on the Tube."

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