The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

News 2020

It isn't true yet, but it will be

The execution of Crawford City bomber Luther Calvin Parsons has been postponed again as lawyers and other morality professionals attempt to fit his case to the penal statutes of the Homeland Constitution.

The Homeland Constitution has one of the longest and most extensive penal sections in the free world, and pamphlets containing the clauses on methods of execution have become popular reading with the public since horror fiction and films were banned under the Intellectual Morality Code.

However, the authorities seem at a loss to resolve Parsons' case legally, even though the convict himself has expressed a wish to pay for his crimes and to "get it over with".

Parsons was found guilty of the unauthorised demolition of a public building in Crawford City, Texas, resulting in the unscheduled and permanent deactivation of 93 human resource units. At his trial, Parsons asked that his kidnap and dissection of seven prostitutes be taken into consideration, but the killings were not considered sufficient mitigation for what the judge called his "wanton disregard for the real estate of the municipality".

Parsons' expressed wish to be executed has complicated the case because of the moral dilemma involved in being seen to give a convicted felon what he wants.

"If any convict thought he could just waltz into a homeland penitentiary and ask for his heart's desire, well, pretty soon we wouldn't have much of a penitentiary system, would we?" said prosecution attorney Zebulon Stringbean, who is pushing for Parsons to be released.

However, defence attorney Devonia Mountweevil, who is being retained to look after Parsons' best interests by the correctional facility of which he is a resident, refused to admit that this latest stay of execution was a setback.

"Of course nobody wants him executed until we know he's sane enough to appreciate what's happening - not even him," she said. "And as long as he wants to be executed, that means he may be suicidal, which means he might go to hell if we execute him while he still feels that way. No genuinely responsible penological system could possibly take that kind of responsibility lightly."

Ms Mountweevil has moved that, as soon as all necessary profit quotas on the case have been fulfilled, Parsons be given antipsychotic drugs in order to ensure his sanity, so that "whatever wishes he expresses will be genuinely his own and the State can therefore disregard them with a clear conscience".

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home