News 2020
Opposition unveils human resource maturation policy
The shadow Education and Economic Utility Readiness secretary, Hester Primpling, today unveiled the opposition's radical new generational preparation measures.
The proposals include corporal punishment vouchers whereby parents can invest in the various implements used to discipline unruly children. "We think it's only fair that parents should have some say in the way in which their children are instilled with civilised values," Ms Primpling said.
Malvern Quinsy, the Government spokesperson for Education and the Manufacture of Non-Benefit-Claiming Taxpayers responded to the opposition's announcement with derision. "These ideas are absurd, ridiculous, unworkable and anyway we're going to put them into practice ourselves next year," he said.
A NuConLib government would also flexibilitise the laws on class sizes and staff distribution to "ensure no child will ever again fall victim to tired left-wing platitudes," Ms Primpling continued.
"Once we have placed proper authority back in the hands of responsible adults, there will be no excuse for teachers refusing to take on larger classes," she said.
Accordingly, within seventeen minutes of being elected to office, a NuLibCon government would place on the statute books a law empowering head teachers to administer corporal punishment to teachers who failed to achieve their targets.
Additionally, the new government would re-organise the curriculum to provide "a more citizenship-oriented education industry," Ms Primpling said.
"Britain did not become great by teaching its children that everyone has rights and that violence is a bad thing," she told a group of cheering parents in the small Berkshire town of Squidgey Hamlets.
"It is absurd to imagine that our juvenile socialisation programme would result in a two-tier system," Ms Primpling concluded. "All we wish to do is make the best of British education available to everyone who can benefit from it. With Boris Johnson in Downing Street, every school in the country will have a chance to be like the institutions that made English education famous the world over, although we shall rein in the sodomy, of course."
The shadow Education and Economic Utility Readiness secretary, Hester Primpling, today unveiled the opposition's radical new generational preparation measures.
The proposals include corporal punishment vouchers whereby parents can invest in the various implements used to discipline unruly children. "We think it's only fair that parents should have some say in the way in which their children are instilled with civilised values," Ms Primpling said.
Malvern Quinsy, the Government spokesperson for Education and the Manufacture of Non-Benefit-Claiming Taxpayers responded to the opposition's announcement with derision. "These ideas are absurd, ridiculous, unworkable and anyway we're going to put them into practice ourselves next year," he said.
A NuConLib government would also flexibilitise the laws on class sizes and staff distribution to "ensure no child will ever again fall victim to tired left-wing platitudes," Ms Primpling continued.
"Once we have placed proper authority back in the hands of responsible adults, there will be no excuse for teachers refusing to take on larger classes," she said.
Accordingly, within seventeen minutes of being elected to office, a NuLibCon government would place on the statute books a law empowering head teachers to administer corporal punishment to teachers who failed to achieve their targets.
Additionally, the new government would re-organise the curriculum to provide "a more citizenship-oriented education industry," Ms Primpling said.
"Britain did not become great by teaching its children that everyone has rights and that violence is a bad thing," she told a group of cheering parents in the small Berkshire town of Squidgey Hamlets.
"It is absurd to imagine that our juvenile socialisation programme would result in a two-tier system," Ms Primpling concluded. "All we wish to do is make the best of British education available to everyone who can benefit from it. With Boris Johnson in Downing Street, every school in the country will have a chance to be like the institutions that made English education famous the world over, although we shall rein in the sodomy, of course."
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