The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, May 16, 2005

News 2020

Teen solo sex statutes to go ahead

The home front of the war on disrespect will continue with legislation to control teenage masturbation and similar "underhanded activities", the Prime Minister announced today.

The new package of measures is the latest instalment in a package of packages reaching back almost a decade and a half, and reflects the Prime Minister's passionate commitment to a society of mutually respectful citizens.

"In order to be able to take their proper place in society as fully fledged consumers, young people must understand that they have responsibilities as well as rights," the Prime Minister said today.

"Our responsibilities exist in a dynamic equilibrium with the rights of others," the Prime Minister continued. "For example, it is a responsibility not to steal from others because they have the right not to be stolen from."

Another example of the same equilibrious dynamicism, he said, was "the responsibility not to engage in private practices which may disgust others, because they have the right not to be disgusted at the thought of what you might be doing."

The proposed bill is a slightly de-rampantised version of a proposal originally raised by the National Organisation for the Negation of Onanism (NONO), which suggested that all instances of masturbation, by persons of whatever age, be treated like other sex-crimes such as rape, child abuse and keeping a political weblog.

"On reflection, the Government has decided to limit the scope of this legislation to those below the legal age of consent," the Prime Minister said today. This means that anyone masturbating to heterosexual fantasies will be immune from prosecution once they reach the age of 16, while males masturbating to homosexual fantasies will be immune once they reach the age of 18.

The Government hopes that the recent crackdown on pornography will help incentivise public co-operation with the law. Nevertheless, as a precautionary measure, all TV advertisements for cars, bubble baths and "priapically suggestive confectionery" will henceforth be classified as illegal viewing for unaccompanied non-adults.

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