The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

News 2020

Statistical bulge in US military continues

The number of unwanted pregnancies among US army personnel rose again last year, despite increased access to TV evangelical channels and celibacy encouragement groups.

Exact figures are classified under the Prevention of Immorality in Military Personnel statutes, but it is thought that up to 250 unauthorised infantine additionalities have occurred over the past twelve months in the Middle East alone.

US critics of Pentagon policy point to the administration of the draft, which tends to place people from poor or disadvantaged backgrounds in the infantry.

Activist Munby Stark, whose group recently raised 20,000 dollars to send the troops 10,000 copies of the Attorney General's moral self-help manual The Purity of the Flesh, admits to "a certain frustration" that almost 75% of recruits will be unable to benefit because of functional illiteracy.

"They join up expecting to get a career and everything," Mr Stark said of his less educated compatriots. "But the military only teach them to fight, so when they come back home the only thing they can do is play video games."

Pentagon spokesperson Colonel Beulah Crambone denied that the US military was training its soldiers to be a burden on American society, but admitted that the problem of sexual indiscipline among troops was "still somewhat less than satisfactorily solutionised."

While praising the heroism of American forces, Colonel Crambone said that some of the more welfare-oriented ethnic groups were still suffering "a few problems of adjustment to a disciplined environment."

The scheduled construction of three new terrorist processing centres in the Democratic Republic of Baghdad should allow some of the battle-weary troopers to work out their feelings without undue risk of conception; and unwanted pregnancies among the natives are generally resolved quickly by means of "honour killings" - part of a "way of life which is more than five thousand years old," as a British human rights envoy once pointed out.

However, Colonel Crambone admitted that most of the pregnancies were caused by "inter-unit liaisons of a mono-cultural orientation" and that the only viable solution is to continue sending the infants to orphanages or grandparents until such time as they themselves are eligible for the draft.

"We hope to get the age limit lowered again pretty soon," Colonel Crambone said. "Once they're at the age when they can play video games, that's when we can start appealing to them. That way they'll be able to build up a good five or six years' service record before the hormones start kicking in."

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