News 2020
British breakthrough could lift global economy
A British-based company is at the forefront of pioneering efforts to regenerate the world economy by kick-starting the international consumer apathy problem into a new gear.
The company, Texas Organic Produce, has successfully patented the procedure for manufacturing genetically-modified consumers, which many economists consider to be a vital new stage in human evolution.
"It is clearly not only vital but absolutely natural that the human species should adapt itself to suit the new environment of globalised economic forces which now surround it," commented economic expert Nigel Feasting-Piranha today.
His views were opposed by religious groups, who called the new consumers "Frankenstein fools" and claimed their production interfered with the Almighty's eternal plan for the redemption of the human race.
However, many such groups have been won over by TOP's chairman, Mobley Burrows, himself a practicing Christian, who has appeared personally in a series of TV advertisements in the United States, appealing for understanding from his opponents.
In one of the adverts, Mr Burrows caused controversy by claiming that TOP could manufacture genetically-modified adherents for "any religion willing to pay Texas Organic an honest price for an honest day's work".
Several rival companies have threatened to sue TOP on the grounds that the process for manufacturing religious adherents has not yet been patented, and that therefore such products could not be bought "exclusively from the TOP line", as the advertisement claimed.
The first genetically-modified consumers are expected to hit the high streets in a few years' time. TOP is offering discount rates to mothers prepared to carry the modified foetuses, in accordance with Mr Burrows' firm devotion to traditional family values.
The manufacturing procedure is a closely guarded corporate secret, but is believed to involve a modification of the brain centres to shorten the period of so-called "satisfaction" following a purchase.
"The global recession means that self-indulgent abstinence on the part of purchasers is simply not an option," Mr Feasting-Piranha said today.
The Prime Minister said that the whole country would be "proud and happy" that the breakthrough had come in a British laboratory. Although Texas Organic Produce is owned by a US corporation, its laboratories are in Scotland and employ a number of Britons as sanitation operatives.
A British-based company is at the forefront of pioneering efforts to regenerate the world economy by kick-starting the international consumer apathy problem into a new gear.
The company, Texas Organic Produce, has successfully patented the procedure for manufacturing genetically-modified consumers, which many economists consider to be a vital new stage in human evolution.
"It is clearly not only vital but absolutely natural that the human species should adapt itself to suit the new environment of globalised economic forces which now surround it," commented economic expert Nigel Feasting-Piranha today.
His views were opposed by religious groups, who called the new consumers "Frankenstein fools" and claimed their production interfered with the Almighty's eternal plan for the redemption of the human race.
However, many such groups have been won over by TOP's chairman, Mobley Burrows, himself a practicing Christian, who has appeared personally in a series of TV advertisements in the United States, appealing for understanding from his opponents.
In one of the adverts, Mr Burrows caused controversy by claiming that TOP could manufacture genetically-modified adherents for "any religion willing to pay Texas Organic an honest price for an honest day's work".
Several rival companies have threatened to sue TOP on the grounds that the process for manufacturing religious adherents has not yet been patented, and that therefore such products could not be bought "exclusively from the TOP line", as the advertisement claimed.
The first genetically-modified consumers are expected to hit the high streets in a few years' time. TOP is offering discount rates to mothers prepared to carry the modified foetuses, in accordance with Mr Burrows' firm devotion to traditional family values.
The manufacturing procedure is a closely guarded corporate secret, but is believed to involve a modification of the brain centres to shorten the period of so-called "satisfaction" following a purchase.
"The global recession means that self-indulgent abstinence on the part of purchasers is simply not an option," Mr Feasting-Piranha said today.
The Prime Minister said that the whole country would be "proud and happy" that the breakthrough had come in a British laboratory. Although Texas Organic Produce is owned by a US corporation, its laboratories are in Scotland and employ a number of Britons as sanitation operatives.
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