The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, October 10, 2005

News 2020

Tough on cigarette smoke, tough on the causes of cigarette smoke

The Prime Minister opened a new front in the war against poisonousness today by announcing tough new measures to combat smoking in non-public places.

Speaking at a Christian Cleanliness conference in Uttoxeter, the Prime Minister said that next year's legislative package would be "the very definition of radical proactive antipollutivity".

The Home Secretary has already run into parliamentary opposition because of the controversial Lungwatch programme, whereby the extent of nonsmokerhood would have been compulsorily displayed on every stakeholder's ID card by the time of the next national voting season.

However, the Prime Minister said today that the Government would continue, "all gears full forward for God".

The new measures will include "radical deregulation of the national smoke detector assets", the Prime Minister explained. All the smoke detectors in Britain will be electronically connected to one or more of the Diebechtel Information Central Complexes in Birmingham, Edinburgh and Calcutta, where voter records, benefit records, criminal records, personal identity records and consumer purchase records are all confidentially stored.

A sophisticated and thoroughly confidential process of cross-referencing will ensure that any anti-nonsmoker who lights a cigarette, even if only in a petty attempt to pollute his or her own home, will be instantly detected, identified and placed on the Home Secretary's proposed Human Pollutants Index.

The revenues extracted from the fines imposed on pollutive elements will be used to finance tax breaks for families whose earning commitments necessitate ownership of more than one car, the Prime Minister said.

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