News 2020
Digestive acts passed smoothly
Tough new measures in the war against unhealthiness are set to become law after Parliament voted in favour of the Government's bill outlawing obesity and restricting flatulence to private residences.
Although tourists will be permitted to indulge in various degrees of overweightness depending on the length of their stay, obesity in Britons will no longer be subject to the "fashionable tolerance levels which have been prevalent since the 1970s", the Prime Minister said.
"For far too long this country has groaned beneath the excess weight of those who are unwilling to control their appetites with the help of useful dietary aids such as the Hallibechtel Slimline programme," he continued.
Hallibechtel Slimline, the US-based nutritional conglomerate which is contracted to run the Corrective Catering programme for hunger-striking terror suspects, is believed to have been invited to tender for the contract to enforce the new obesity laws.
The anti-obesity bill joins the growing list of public health dynamicisation measures, which include last year's Sleepwell Act enforcing compulsory decaffeinisation, and the Road Traffic (Immobile) Public Fitness Act, under which all cars will be equipped with exercycles in place of their driver and passenger seats by the year 2040.
The British public would require ever greater capacity for exertion in the continuing war against evil, the Prime Minister warned.
"In these difficult times where the rules of the game are constantly changing, no one wishes to cause a panic in the public mind," he said. "But if they are not to be instantly and utterly destroyed at the terror-glorificatory promptings of anti-human imams, people may need to run for their lives at a moment's notice, and it is the Government's responsibility to ensure that they can do so without non-insurable risk of heart attack, stroke or other inducement to claim benefits."
A small sect of government rebels argued that the provisions confining flatulence to rooms in private residences where no other persons were present constituted an unnecessary restriction on civil liberties which in any case could be enforced under the Sleepwell Act.
However, the Home Secretary said that only new legislation would enable the Government to achieve an acceptable margin when missing its downrevised Kyoto emissions targets.
Tough new measures in the war against unhealthiness are set to become law after Parliament voted in favour of the Government's bill outlawing obesity and restricting flatulence to private residences.
Although tourists will be permitted to indulge in various degrees of overweightness depending on the length of their stay, obesity in Britons will no longer be subject to the "fashionable tolerance levels which have been prevalent since the 1970s", the Prime Minister said.
"For far too long this country has groaned beneath the excess weight of those who are unwilling to control their appetites with the help of useful dietary aids such as the Hallibechtel Slimline programme," he continued.
Hallibechtel Slimline, the US-based nutritional conglomerate which is contracted to run the Corrective Catering programme for hunger-striking terror suspects, is believed to have been invited to tender for the contract to enforce the new obesity laws.
The anti-obesity bill joins the growing list of public health dynamicisation measures, which include last year's Sleepwell Act enforcing compulsory decaffeinisation, and the Road Traffic (Immobile) Public Fitness Act, under which all cars will be equipped with exercycles in place of their driver and passenger seats by the year 2040.
The British public would require ever greater capacity for exertion in the continuing war against evil, the Prime Minister warned.
"In these difficult times where the rules of the game are constantly changing, no one wishes to cause a panic in the public mind," he said. "But if they are not to be instantly and utterly destroyed at the terror-glorificatory promptings of anti-human imams, people may need to run for their lives at a moment's notice, and it is the Government's responsibility to ensure that they can do so without non-insurable risk of heart attack, stroke or other inducement to claim benefits."
A small sect of government rebels argued that the provisions confining flatulence to rooms in private residences where no other persons were present constituted an unnecessary restriction on civil liberties which in any case could be enforced under the Sleepwell Act.
However, the Home Secretary said that only new legislation would enable the Government to achieve an acceptable margin when missing its downrevised Kyoto emissions targets.
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