The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

News 2020

Immigrant's death helps bury island quarrel

A man thought to be one of the last remaining natives to be born on the island of Diego Chagarcia has died in the UK, it was announced today.

The island was abandoned by its immigrant inhabitants in the 1960s. Many explanations, both economic and cultural, have been advanced for the natives' action, but the one most generally accepted by the Foreign Office is that many of them failed to understand the difference between a single and a return ticket.

Many of the natives ended up in nearby Mauritius, but others in search of more favourable economic prospects came to Britain and, despite a generally low level of literacy, engaged in litigation against the Government.

Successive British governments have consistently denied that the Diego Chagarcians have any cause for grievance against the people of the UK, and have referred the litigants to the United States, which owns the airbase which the island now comprises.

Asked whether he thought the Americans were at fault, the Prime Minister replied, "I do not always agree with the US. They are sometimes difficult friends to have. But anti-Americanism is sheer madness."

The man who died has not been named, but it is understood that his biometric record printed out "Chagossian" (sic) on two of the five national identity databases, which gives it the legal status of fact unless overruled in good conscience by a minister of state.

In a prepared statement, Foreign Office vice-under-secretary Bungo Crawley said, "We extend our condolences to the family and friends of the deceased and hope that time's healing balm will continue to salve the memory of this unfortunate episode in Mauritian history."

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