The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Lessons in Diplomacy

The Minister for Lesser Breeds, Margaret Beckett, has once again reminded British Muslims that they have a job to do. Since they are not merely Britons but "special ability" Britons, they are urged to act as "ambassadors for Britain" whenever they go abroad, perhaps by wearing "Support the War on Terror" T-shirts while on pilgrimage to Mecca.

Mrs Beckett also warned the media that it could be "positively dangerous" to "give a platform to radicals as if they represented the Muslim community as a whole". The Muslim community as a whole stands shoulder to shoulder with Tony and Mrs Beckett, among "all those who reject violence"; sadly, however, "We are too often the silent majority"; hence the need for amateur ambassadorial duties on the part of mainstream British Muslimity. As a member of the government which has responded to the terrorist threat against democracy by removing civil liberties that date back to the year 1215, Mrs Beckett suggested that we should "deny the terrorists the historical importance they claim to themselves", because the terrorists "have no right to speak for" those aspects of Muslimity which Tony and his chums consider worthy of "the great and noble faith of Islam".

She was careful to refute the over-simplification that the War for Civilised Values is in any way a battle between civilisations. The idea that the Crusade for Universal British Values is "part of some anti-Muslim agenda is of course ridiculous nonsense"; after all, we are friendly with Saudi Arabia, we sell arms to Pakistan, and we are happy to co-operate with Colonel Gadafi's security police as long as they promise to be nice. "This is a not a battle between civilisations but a stand-off between the whole of society on the one hand and a fairly small and particularly nasty bunch of murderers and criminals on the other," she re-simplified, possibly keeping a straight face. One assumes that she identifies herself with the whole of society, excluding all those whose views of Government policy are excessively facile, foolish or dangerous for her taste. Such views, as fostered by the British media, are "how it's managed to encourage a young man to blow himself up on a tube train"; therefore news organisations must "let the extremists bark in the night while we, the vast moderate majority, find a common way to defeat them".

So the way forward, it appears, is for British Muslims to fight the Vicar of Downing Street's propaganda war abroad while the British media deny the terrorists the oxygen of publicity by reporting on the activities of the moderate majority instead. "Salaam aleikum, Gaza! My name's Ali and I'm an ambassador for Britain!" (Temporary interruption in transmission) "Well, better luck next time. And now, back to the studio!"

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