The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Minutes of a Meeting

Those private talks in full, as minuted by P Challinor and a traitor

The Prime Minister welcomed the Secretary of State and informed her how glad, how very, very glad he was to be speaking on equal terms with a black person from America who was, what is more, a woman. Such encounters, he said, were what freedom and democracy were all about, particularly during the bicentennial year of Britain's almost ending slavery, by making it an anomalous condition except in the territories of the British empire. The Prime Minister hoped he could convey, in plain American and without recourse to windy rhetoric or superficial charm, what a deeply, deeply felt privilege it was for him to receive President Bush's instructions as to the will of the British people from an ethnic minority whose high position in the government of the greatest democracy in the world, which was also Britain's number one ally, proved beyond doubt the folly of judging a person by his gender or the colour of his skin when it was so much more effective to judge him according to greed, fanaticism and mutually parasitic self-interest.

The Secretary of State replied by inclining her head approximately two millimetres in a forward direction for a duration of 0.75 seconds, in accordance with diplomatic courtesy.

The Prime Minister apologised deeply, sincerely and unreservedly about the comments of his Northern Ireland enemy, Peter Hain, which he recognised could under certain circumstances be construed as anti-American. Of course nothing was further from the Prime Minister's mind when Peter Hain was saying what he said, but it would nevertheless be made clear to Peter Hain that Britain was a tolerant country in which legitimate dissent must always bow to the rule of law.

The Secretary of State replied by displaying her incisors and left upper canine for approximately two seconds, and paid the Prime Minister the valued compliment of reaching for her laptop and starting to check her emails.

The Prime Minister informed the Secretary of State that he deeply, sincerely and unreservedly regretted the comments of various disloyal and indiscreet members of his retinue as to the possibility of attacking Iran. The Prime Minister expressed his deep, sincere and unreserved hope that America would not be forced to go it alone without Britain standing shoulder to shoulder while punching its weight at the forefront of nations. The Prime Minister intimated that the question of what to do about Iran - "stopping their shit", as he believed it was expressed in White House circles - could be considered part of a larger question as to what should be done about the Middle East as a whole. The Prime Minister confided that this was sort of what he called his Whole Middle East Plan which would bring peace to that troubled region and to which he intended to devote the few remaining days left to him out of a lifetime of public service. The Prime Minister imagined that the Secretary of State knew exactly how he felt, but made haste to reassure her that he had some flow charts waiting just in case.

At this point the Secretary of State was observed to be scratching herself and using her laptop for the purpose of making malicious edits to the Wikipedia entry on torture. The Prime Minister expressed his deep, sincere and unreserved gratitude for her urgency and drive, and his deep, sincere and unreserved admiration of President Bush for taking no notice of any positive comments which the Prime Minister might inadvertently have made about the Iraq Study Group report. If there was one thing the Prime Minister admired, he said, it was independence of mind.

Meeting Closed

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home