Foreign Secretary Denies Wrongdoing

Emotiporn breakthrough as den Haag rebuts allegations of impropriety

England's Minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns, Willem den Haag, has issued a statement denying any impropriety in the Conservative Party's relations with Lord Ashcroft.

Ashcroft, who frequently whisked den Haag away on whirlwind trips around the world, is alleged to have tumbled the party into bed with him as a tax dodge while claiming his intentions were honourable.

In his statement, den Haag condemned the "untrue and malicious allegations" and asked for the Conservative Party's privacy to be respected.

In what may be seen as a historic moment in the history of emotiporn, Den Haag took advantage of his press statement to wave half a dozen foetuses in the public eye.

Following on from Tony Blair and his Love Leo, Love Me jubilee mug campaign, both the current Prime Minister, Daveybloke Cameron, and the previous one, Gordon Brown, have used dead children for political advantage.

Cameron used his dead son, Ivan, to imply that he had some sort of interest in preserving the National Health Service, while Brown used his dead daughter, Jennifer Jane, to imply that whatever mess he made, we were all in it together.

Den Haag is thought to be the first to use miscarried offspring for similar purposes.

Since 1997, the Conservative Party has been trying for fertility but has undergone several abortions, including Iain Duncan Smith, Michael Howard and den Haag himself.

Despite being kept by Lord Ashcroft and several other men of mature years, the party failed to deliver the expected rampancy at the last general election and was reduced to cottaging with the S&M wing of the Liberal Democrats.