Compassionate Conservatism

True Britons can sleep easy in their beds a while, for the heroic Home Office cockroach James Brokenshire is ever vigilant against the danger of bereaved grandparents. Brokenshire has denied three Zimbabweans a visa for the funeral of their five-year-old granddaughter and niece, who was killed in a traffic accident last month. Britain's Head Boy promised to intervene; but it is an election year, the promise was made to a mere Liberal Democrat, and the temptation to show due contempt both for wogs and for Deputy Conservatives must have been that little bit too strong. The Home Office denied the visa because the Zimbabweans could not demonstrate a regular income, and therefore would undoubtedly abscond on an uninhibited spree of job-stealing and benefits-claiming the moment they set foot in a civilised country. Non-wealthy black Africans are of course well known for their habitual and cynical use of dead children for personal gain. Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition have apparently not commented on the matter, but given their record in office (notably that of Brokenshire's cockroach frère et semblable, Phil Woolas) they presumably believe that the funeral would be best held on the parents' deportation flight.