Unholy Pastimes

In his capacity as lickspittle-in-ordinary and weapons pimp to the House of Saud, Britain's Head Boy will undoubtedly be gratified by the grand mufti's ruling against the game of chess, which for clear-headed sanity approaches the more esoteric ravings of Mad Tessie May. Intoxicants, gambling, idolatry and divination were all forbidden by the Angel Gabriel when he dictated Muhammad's recital; and Sheikh Abdulaziz al-Sheikh has classified chess under gambling, much as Mad Tessie May would probably rule it a psychoactive substance. A more moderate attitude is prevalent in Iran, where the game was forbidden after the Islamic revolution but later reinstated by the notorious liberal apostate, Ayatollah Khomeini. For the grand mufti as for the barking old cat lady, what matters is not so much the pretext as the underlying moral purpose; namely, that life in the present should never be made more bearable in case it distracts from the official promise of jam tomorrow. According to al-Sheikh, chess is also "a waste of time and money and a cause for hatred and enmity" and is thus the polar opposite of any known symptom of the three main Abrahamic delusions.