The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

God's Will First

A migrant whose disposal the Australian government outsourced to Nauru has been fined and threatened with jail for the crime of self-harm. A refugee from Iran, which is run by religious extremists who believe in sorcery and witchcraft, the migrant was detained for two years on Nauru, an island whose penal code outlaws sorcery and witchcraft, along with fortune-telling and attempted suicide, before being "released into the community". Having moved to an area where his daughter would have more children for company, he was raided by the police and threatened with yet further regional processing, a prospect which appears to have depressed him despite Australia's famously British attitude to asylum seekers. The recommended sentence for self-harm is one year's imprisonment with hard labour, and the prosecutors argued for a custodial sentence in order to deter others, given the well-known propensity of suicidal people towards rational self-interest. However, the court contented itself with separating the man from his eight-year-old daughter and relieving him of £110, which the magistrate said she hoped would incentivise him to count his blessings and be a bit more considerate in future.

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